(I'm a 6 it seems)
Thank you for taking the time to visit; enjoy the posts...
SORRY, No oil, No go.
It seems just as basic and as simple as that. Sorry, No oil, no go. Too late to say, "I should have..." or "I could have..." What's done is done. The 'should havs and could havs', hoping and praying and crying and panic of it all - wont do any good. Appears my car did not get the oil as needed. A prime example of neglect by reason of "taking it for granted".
Through all the 'lessons learned,' years ago or from others, this one is going to cost me dearly - in multiple ways. My car engine over heated and cracked from a lack oil. Without total warning it just happened. The Check Engine Light came on. Where the heck was the OIL LIGHT??? The acceleration dropped off and the vehicle slowed on its own! In a panic I pulled over and stopped with Hazards Lights on; along the road side's Emergency lane. Duah! For some odd reason - now I think about the oil. I added two quarts.... Did no good. Waited 10 minutes "for oil to coat and get to bottom of oil pan". After awhile the new-driver learning a stick-shift lurching forward began again and the acceleration dropped off on its own as well.
It's always been my habit to check the oil with every gas up, seems I had slowly gotten out of that habit - until today happened. *Sigh* Fear and a rampant array of thoughts now begin to ripple through my mind of Life Without a Car in America. Ten miles between work/home. The usual shopping spots 3 miles away. Doctor's appointment. The ice cold reality of lists growing ever longer... I've always always tried to be there for others, now it seems its my turn. I've not been one for asking for help.... Humility ensues.
[Ongoing tale, more later...]
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The Elodreen
The Elodreen
“Greetings!” Came a woman’s voice from behind them.
The two friends turned about startled. Before them stood a deer; yet, its neck and head were replaced with the upper half of a naked female-elf. Her long hair covered both of her petite breast.
“To you as well.” Said the male stranger, who added, “I am Fayendar’Kyon, and this is my companion, Saleeth.” He was amazed by the sight of the creature before him.
“I am Lyreah, an elodreen from the yellow woods of --” Her words were interrupted.
“Kinderval!” Exclaimed Saleeth. She added, “I have met some of your kind before.” Sounding insightful.
“Elodreen!?” Breathed Fayendar with wide eyes. “I had always heard and been taught they were fictitious -- I mean no offence, but horrid creatures from children’s bedtime stories.”
“You have lived a sheltered life indeed, Fayendar’Kyon.” The elven-deer smiled angelically back at him as if at a child, “For we are neither horrid nor fictitious.” Then adding in a lower tone and cutting eyes to Saleeth, “Yet, I assure you our spell-charms are quiet real.”
“Just as you are from the Grey Havens, Saleeth of no House name.” The Elodreen’s manner was poignant.
Saleeth caught the intent and asked, “Are we familiar? Do you know me, eldren?”
“What brings The Fallen to our woods?” Dismissing her Lyreah looked to Fayendar.
Breathing courage he answered, “We fled the Western Sea Port and sought an alliance with those of the northern hills…”
Her expression raised, “Dwarves? How fascinating indeed!”
The wonderer continued his brief-story, “After a season of years a force from Mithar lay siege upon Mount Ipstha as few escaped.”
Reading between the lines as if she herself new more detail than were being given, Lyreah asked, “I see, and you must be ‘a remnant’ of that few.” Sharpening her words again up Saleeth, “The others, where are they?”
“A half mile back, we were hunting when --.” She answered, trying to avoid the intense stare.
Politely demanding the greater truth, “You were talking, not hunting, and in your discussion you came upon something?”
Fayendar injected, feeling subdued, “Yes. Yes, we -- saw an island just off the southern cliffs of this mainland’s coast.”
Cocking her head slightly to the side with a wicked grin cautioned him with, “Wary now, what else did you spy?”
Saleeth’s words came out on their own, “A light. There was a tree that gave off its own light. Did you not see it Fayendar?”
Yet being totally honest Fayendar admitted, “No. No, I did not, but we --”
He walked a little behind her and had not seen what she had.
Nevertheless, Lyreah injected upon them, “You must return to your people and turn their hearts to this island, for it shall prove to be that which you have so long sought after.”
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The Salun Parchments
I saw her life being extinguished and fade
as in the exhaustion of sorrow.
In the inhale of that crumbling moment
my life’s meaning faded away
as sorrow filled my heart with loneliness.
Cradled in my arms, she died so pale
a lifeless shell, void of expression;
yet forever, my only, one true love…”
The Salun Parchments
Scrolls I:1-9
.............................................................
The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them. These were the mighty men that were of old, the men of renown.
Genesis VI: 1-7
THE HOLY BIBLE
The Revised Standard Version
.............................................................
The sons of god from
righteous lands they came
to take for themselves
the daughters of men
with wicked hearts proclaimed
as teachers of the truth
they were lords of lies
fallen-ones who ruled no more
the day the rains came.
Uruk Tablet No. 3-3
Transliterated by Martha Paske-Townsend
.............................................................
In the garden of Eriduah
the pleasure grove of Eul
there dwelt many wonders
the greatest of these
were the Two Trees
of such bitter-sweet fruit.
Called “Life” and “Wisdom;”
Life was eternal, and
Wisdom without end.
The Salun Parchments
“The Two Trees” I:1-9
.............................................................
The Guardian resonated,
“In it harm none,
Do what you will.
So mote it be;
Remember and be renewed.”
The Salun Parchments
“The Two Trees” I:94-98
.............................................................
Then without warning they betrayed us as
our clothes they had torn off in shame,
and took our bodies in lust, but
our men they burned like our homes.
This they said was done because fear
was not given them as a sign of respect;
they rose up against our Chieftain who
was then torn asunder and left for the birds.
Each new moon they were an affliction,
a curse upon our people and the land
because they had rejected peace of truth; for
a taste of lust, by the hand of power instead.
The Salun Parchments
“The Heirloom” II:45-56
.............................................................
Six days after I entered into the pangs of womanhood
my mother came unto me with the bold
words of her mother’s lore; of
my mother’s shadowed traditions she gave.
On that star filled night Milcah did cast a circle,
by the names of the four winds that flew,
but on that night they fell silent
by coming of that dark hour’s dew.
Beside the banks of the Quicken River
there was kindled upon a great stone table
a fire to burn away the fear of the night;
there gathered the women of our clan sky-clad.
The Salun Parchments
“The Mother’s Rites” III: 5-16
.............................................................
That Fair One departed from my mother,
until the winter had passed;
We did not see that pale stranger
until he appeared many Springs later.
The Salun Parchments
“The Withdrawal” IV: 1-4
.............................................................
The stranger was no where to be found as
the ground showed no footprints of his hard shoes
I ran to my home and told my father-in-law of
the vision and his warnings of gloom.
No one believed me for I was but a child to them
only Gilga-noak, my husband’s father listened
the gods command of him to build a ship; for
only he and our family heeded the vision’s woe.
Others had been warned, but only laughed
scoffing at my husband’s father
“Rain from a clear sky was mad!”
scoffing at the gods had its own reward.
The Salun Parchments
“The Last Keeper” V: 33-44
.............................................................
Ere the thunder clouds shouted no more
the world I once knew had faded and
from memory only memory remained of
the Nephilim and their Fallen Mark of distrust.
About me the very land had been changed,
renewed by an act of shame and regret
to be replenished with a mere handful;
renewed by the hand of a divine command.
The Salun Parchments
“The Last Keeper” V: 49-56
.............................................................
Never shall I forget those drowning screams
that fell silent beneath the waves
when the rains finally came upon us all;
that day when outside they perished.
For in the end when the waters dried away
their bodies lay bloated upon the seas and land
before the feasting birds where judgment fell;
their names all but forgotten by Heaven’s hand.
The Salun Parchments
“The Last Keeper” V: 69-76
.............................................................
( Click picture to enlarge )
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I just see things differently (I ain't been there yet).
Especially in America we have bought into the notion that we are "Special", "Unique" and "Different". As wonderful as that illusion is the reality is we are none of these. We are all cut from the same DNA Cloth. The thing is that piece of cloth reacts differently to the very same situations as the others. Two people facing the same situation do not always behave in the same manner; and it is just that alternative course which develops us individually as we are. The stresses of buying into the illusion that we are all "different" comes in when we face various trials and tribulations. We become overwhelmed with the notion that "no one understand" and "I am all alone" the encouragement and reassurance comes with "no you're not, I've been there too." Love conquers illusion.
MY BUCKET LIST
1. Go to Europe. (would love to see Paris)!
2. Go to South America. (YES! Colombia visit!)
3. Publish a Novel. (I am currently writing: 1, 2, 3.)
4. Ride in a helicopter. (YES! Did this in the military!)
5. Message in a Bottle. (Sent one would love to hear what happened to it).
6. Learn another language. (Tried to learn Spanish...)
7. Camp at Big Bend National Park.
8. Run a Marathon. (Bad knee, but just to finish would be cool).
9. Learn an Instrument. (I have a guitar, tried the self-taught thingy).
10. Get a better job. (I already have a career, working for an Orientation Instructor position).
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THE WATCHER’S SCROLL
{ The Original Version }
© 2011 David DeLane Snow
____________________________________________________
English
Nasil [Human, Common] translation
Sinenya [ELVISH] translation
___________________________________________
1 “Beneath that evening star dome, lead/
Rup Ujebid id esi elapac id dellirtsi rup ihcun, umulp/
Nui tanya lome elen telluma koromindo
2 Lord Elrond with his people shed/
Runis rup Elrond nuc as ulbiap edemerrid/
Mem Elrond yassen ho gwaith dwat
3 the woes of a war torn land/
sul silem id ena erring edetsevid rup el erriot/
Ianef eneohta ydil ndor
4 healed by a fulfilled king’s hand.//
uderac rup el unem id na yir uolpmac.//
Yiyhia edematulos ahanan cam
5 Aboard their swan-carved ships/
E udrub id sul siaqab id ederbel insoc/
Eyuth ron aqua yicular kirya
6 with praises high on ruby lips;/
nuc suoguli utle irbus obar suobel;/
Yassen valuca taum noiriador
7 one - with Halflings dressed in vests/
ena - nuc sirbmuh id ejeb eratetsi uditsiv nuc sucilehc/
Er yassen gwalfeth yiratha miecolan
8 rewarded for a legendary quest.//
Udenipmucir erep na ediaqsab ioridnigil.//
Yimanr tene ryarnut arsta
9 Yet some later said by madness of pride/
Nos ugrebmi sunagle ugial ujod rup eraacul id ullagru
Amques luta equ edcesarta enarwel
10 those brothers fought and lied/
Sulliage sunemrih nurehcal y uotnom
Eska ahdara maruk aryigulcata
11 their bonds they broke and took/
Sas sunub sulli nuriopmur y umut
Ron ahvere ronka tamis artwyun
12 all loyalties of oaths forsook.//
Sedut sidetleil id sul sutnimeraj unudnebe
Ilya ivustal enahvanda arquenta
13 Shelda`Mar implored we few to come/
SheldMar sun umulp sucup roniv
Sheldamar yimqunt eme nnir atula
14 aboard the ship of Valithnor, Cirdan’s drum;/
E udrub lid iaqab id Valithnor rubmet id nedroc
Eyuth ikirya envalithnor ahcirdan danut
15 to the Undying Lands of hope and grace./
e sel serriot seridiciripmo id enwraps y id eocerg
Aizesfirful ahndor enestal areruanna
16 yet outraged, Vendu`Mar abandon his place.//
Ugrebmi udengodno VenduMar renudnebe as regal
Am hecah VenduMar arquita hoyamen
17 On the worn-out piers Vendu`Mar was arguing/
Ni sul sillium sudetsegsid iaf udnetnimagre VenduMar
18 drew against the command of his brother/
Elenis erenuc li udnem id as sunemrih
19 harsh words like a bitter sword that bites,/
20 though Shelda`Mar in sorrow took flight.//
Shelda`Mar
21 The wizard Gan`Mereith admonished us/
Li ugem GanMereith sun etruxi
22 to be wary against our growing lust;/
Erep ris usulitaec erenuc urtsian itnicirc eorajal
23 Sal`Gilvan and Veth`Dema barked back/
SalGilvan y VethDema uderdel ni rivluv
24 with their own words of black.//
Nuc sas seopurp serbelep id urgin
25 We stayed like an anointed remnant,/
Sumovatsi umuc na itninemir udogna
26 who saw it our goal to rule as imminent,/
Nioaq ul uov urtsian uvotijbu erep renribug umuc itninomno
27 teaching a new history to lesser men/
Eznenisni id ena evian eorutsoh erep sul sirbmuh sirunim
28 with a diverse tongue, Sinenya I penned.//
Nuc ena eagnil esrivod Sinenya uy uoborcsi
29 Like unto Sindar was Sinenya made/
30 with new characters and words I laid;/
31 letters designed for new purposes crafted/
32 for initiated secretes were they drafted.//
33 For the greed of some soon railed apparent/
34 as our original cravings became too variant;/
35 instead of being counselors to students in need/
36 many wayward misguidings did breed.//
37 Celegreth of the elven Crystal Caves,/
38 and Kwandol the dwarven mason, made;/
39 a Great Hall like greeting hands/
40 domed six hundred years, still stands.//
41 Close to the bay a watchtower stood/
42 with a bell’s tolling alarm it would;/
43 chime forth the hours of the Great Hall/
44 for secret Brothers to heed its call.//
45 In that kingdom’s darkened hall we met/
46 among fireside rituals fussed and fret;/
47 knowing inwardly we hoped against hope,/
48 preaching failed expectations, we groped.//
49 High in that Watchtower’s nest/
50 its bell replaced we thought best;/
51 with a pyre set eternally aflame,/
52 for others to return without shame.//
53 On the day the oil-soaked wood was lit,/
54 by Fay`Symodare’s death all were hit;/
Rup el itriam id FaySymodare sudut diplag
55 the shadow that fulfilled Mereith’s woe,/
El irbmus iaq ilpmac ye lid Mereith
56 the nightmare of mortal man became our snow.//
El ellodesip id sirbmuh letru is uotrovnuc ivion
57 From his ashes we gathered a portion/
Id as sezonic surtusun relopucir ena itrep
58 entombed in an urn with grave distinction;/
Dibmutni ni ena inra nuc nerg nuocnotsod
59 the rest we scattered upon the sea/
Sun li utsir iaq esripsod ni li rem
60 #and pledged our own ashes would mingle.//
Y uotimurp iaq as nelczim sertsian seopurp sezonic
(CLICK image to enlarge)
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FOOD BLOG lol lol lol
YES!!! I started another Blog.
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He did a mighty thing today//
He did a mighty thing today//
yet still to be seen in full bloom//
but I know one day it'll shine forth//
then in amazement people will gasp//
The Lord is great beyond measure indeed!
yet still to be seen in full bloom//
but I know one day it'll shine forth//
then in amazement people will gasp//
The Lord is great beyond measure indeed!
Birthday Outing
Chicken crusted with Parmesan cheese
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Update: Pagans Note 1
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OFFLINE To write again...
I'm signing off of my Social Media site, Facebook for awhile so I can concentrate on several neglected projects that have been on the 'back burner' for far too long. One is a Reference book I am developing that I have entitled: The Pagans of Scripture. Written with a very simplistic approach, in that anyone can use any Bible of their choosing and be able to follow along. The concept is to encourage an honest study of the Bible from the perception of learning the difference between Paganism and the Jewish/Christian viewpoint. However, in a "politically correct" manner, the topic is discussed using only the Bible. The denominational flavors and reconstructionist views of these two modern camps will not be presented. The reader will be taken through the Bible and discover for themselves what the ancients believed about the Universal concept of GOD using the Biblical lens. However, historical and other reference material will be provided for readers wishing to continue on to more scholarly works.
Bench Mark
Speaking of projects I have several I wish to complete and a few I have in planning. Maybe I shouldn't mention those in planning until they've been completed. Maybe that will be a new way of doing things for me. FINISHING things begun! Deep breath. Now - to get on with the next 50 years of my life...
...well gotta go!
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MY GIRL...
ALICE IRENE SNOW
My wife Alice is a character. Or should I say, a major player in my life. Just this past April, the 17th we had our 31st wedding Anniversary. Wow, 31. In the last few years we have both seen our share of life altering situations. Yet she more than me.
A few years back she had a major heart attack, died on the table twice and survived a quad-bypass. They took veins from both legs and thighs. The doctor said the veins usually are good for 25+ years, but in her case 10, at the most. Being a fragile Diabetic, with insulin injections three times a day is a hit against her. Her Diabetic retinopathy is slowly making her go blind, and we are trying to keep that Bleak Monster at bay. Having another surgery, and dying twice on the table again she survived a paralyzing stroke; leaving her left arm unusable and left leg barely functional. Long distances require a wheel chair, a quad cane about the house, a shower chair for bathing, an automatic lift chair to assist with getting up and an automatic lift twin-size bed to help there as well.
Amazingly though is how she doesn't complain. The weeping dark depression has not afflicted her in years like it did from the onset of this 'new normal' of hers; yet, there are bouts of it that try to creep in. But the grand-kids and family, dogs and Video Recording of TV shows keeps her mind going. Along with all the games on her Kindle Fire, and reading she's a pretty sharp cookie even now. She cracks me up with that thing.
Alice use to have a scary memory like a still trap!!! I always relied on her way too much. We will watch one of the many shows she likes and then a day or so later half way through a second viewing I smile when she says, "I think we've seen this one before." Her mind is good, trapped in a defeated body, but the memory is beginning to slip more than just getting older. I think it's actually a hold over effect from the stroke. Everything is dated from The Stroke with her.
Little things mean a lot. Something as simple as 'going to the store'. When I'm off from work, shopping is a grand all day adventure. Though once in a great while we go to the Park, movies, or eat out. Shopping is an all day event. She's actually gotten a little better and instead of using the wheelchair to go out to the car she give walking a struggling journey as I tease her happily along. Her Rheumatoid Arthritis is a killing pain in the 'good' hip.
We all have our good days and bad, but when every moment is a challenge a deep breath to face the next makes you a hero.
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What do you mean by that any way?
The Crimson Catharsis???
Well what I mean by that title is, I seem to have come full circle in my "spiritual" walk. I've returned to Christianity. Crimson refers to The Blood of Christ. Catharsis refers to my "renewal" of spirit.
I have not yet "formally" joined a Church, though I have somewhat been attending a Pentecostal one. I have really need that type of enthusiastic energy. To be Born Again is a resurgence of the Soul and touching of Deity that can not be a natural thing. The Holy Spirit alters your course in a way that only searching for more of that Spiritual High experience can bring real joy. The downer is expressing that "craziness" to others who think you are odd. LOL I've always been viewed as odd, so I'm not deterred. Emotionalism? I use to think so, but I think it's more than that. We are all emotional creatures, and me personally so.
I see things so clearly now. It almost hurts exactly how clean I do see things now. Honest and clear, and glaringly so. Real things. Google Earth clarity!!! Everything is so small, all our petty emotional selfish desires and politics. It's almost frighteningly amazing how clear I see through to the heart of matters now; maybe that's why I am overwhelmed by wanting to go back to being distracted. Yet the truth of things has always been there pulling my attention to the Center.
Since I accepted THE ONENESS of it - I no longer hear conflicting voices calling me to follow the wind. I no longer wish to kill myself over the ingrained negativity of childhood experiences long ago left in the dust of the past. I no longer desire to drive people off the road or follow them to their homes and kill them in the night, or waste my co-workers under a spray of gun fire.
WHAT I do feel now is an overwhelming sense of peace. A Bliss that passes all understanding. Yes I am an emotional person who cries when I'm sad but not to the brink of desolation and despaired of depression's blackest pit! Sure I get upset but not to the point of insanity's blinded focused rage.
God is good. God has always been there in my life. Regardless if i turned my back on "Him" or not. Where ever I have gone, even in an attempt to escape Deity always met me where I was. No, I am not Deity; just as frail and in error as you my reader. When we put labels on Deity we limit the Universal Creator's unknowableness. Yet for me, I 'envision' my hands cupping a handful of water. I know it is just a handful of water, yet there is something profoundly inspiring to know that it is indeed the very Lake in my hands as well. So too is my personal view of GOD, indwelling in the personal expression of the very human Jesus of Nazareth who encased GOD as the person within. I can see clearly now the rain is gone, it's going to be a bright Sun shiny day!
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I see things so clearly now. It almost hurts exactly how clean I do see things now. Honest and clear, and glaringly so. Real things. Google Earth clarity!!! Everything is so small, all our petty emotional selfish desires and politics. It's almost frighteningly amazing how clear I see through to the heart of matters now; maybe that's why I am overwhelmed by wanting to go back to being distracted. Yet the truth of things has always been there pulling my attention to the Center.
Since I accepted THE ONENESS of it - I no longer hear conflicting voices calling me to follow the wind. I no longer wish to kill myself over the ingrained negativity of childhood experiences long ago left in the dust of the past. I no longer desire to drive people off the road or follow them to their homes and kill them in the night, or waste my co-workers under a spray of gun fire.
WHAT I do feel now is an overwhelming sense of peace. A Bliss that passes all understanding. Yes I am an emotional person who cries when I'm sad but not to the brink of desolation and despaired of depression's blackest pit! Sure I get upset but not to the point of insanity's blinded focused rage.
God is good. God has always been there in my life. Regardless if i turned my back on "Him" or not. Where ever I have gone, even in an attempt to escape Deity always met me where I was. No, I am not Deity; just as frail and in error as you my reader. When we put labels on Deity we limit the Universal Creator's unknowableness. Yet for me, I 'envision' my hands cupping a handful of water. I know it is just a handful of water, yet there is something profoundly inspiring to know that it is indeed the very Lake in my hands as well. So too is my personal view of GOD, indwelling in the personal expression of the very human Jesus of Nazareth who encased GOD as the person within. I can see clearly now the rain is gone, it's going to be a bright Sun shiny day!
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FACEBOOK "Offline"...
BUT FOR NOW this was my last "post"...
""Good bye and good night. Collectively and individually I wanted to tell each and everyone of you on my account thank you for sharing and allowing me to share my life, thoughts, and experiences.I am leaving my account open, but will no longer be posting on your wall or mine. You have my email, I check it daily. There are not suicidal or homicidal thoughts going on in my head so be at ease. I have just allowed this social media to be a distraction from home and neglected projects. I will strive to focus on matters that need attention.""
I have been a Facebook junkie. I never got into My Space, but I loved FB!!! I guess I'm waiting for "the next big thang" to come along. A close friend said I liked "drama". Sigh. I suppose I "allow" my personal insecurities to manifest 'dramatic flare'. My "bio-polar"-esk personality seems to go for those high and low mood swings.
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DEATH AND DYING pain of it all...
Don't know why this suddenly hit me. I just need to write it down.
1989.....
I remember working at Bill Miller Bar-B-Que in Corpus Christi down on Leopard street. One day just before the lunch rush I received a phone call at work. It was my mother-in-law. She never never called me, especially at work. I knew in the instant it was beyond important and scary. The woman had three part time jobs that poorly added to one paycheck. She needed to go to the doctor. On the phone I told her I would be there as soon as I could hang up the phone. My boss over hearing this told me that if I left considered myself terminated; I left anyway and as the events played out I still had a job later.
Betty Scott had gone to the doctor's a month before and no problems noted. We had a great Christmas. They ran test. We were scared. Sigh. She had test Monday. Tuesday she had ovarian cancer. Wednesday she had liver cancer. Thursday she had lymphoma, cancer of the lymph nodes throughout her body. Friday she turned to vomit, went down into her lungs - she aspirated and went into a coma. Saturday found my mother-in-law being pumped with more than four times the dosage needed to keep her heart going as a breathing tube did the work for her and the monitors declared the futility of it all. Frightening and dismay fail to describe the emotions of her family.
I remember scoring the bottom of her expose feet in the ICU. Tickling her toes gave no response. The middle two fingers of both of my mother-in-law's hand had been taped to the raised and locked in place bed rail. Tubes for breathing and urine drainage, wires and monitors of the sterile environment were new to me. My eyes never blinked as their view soaked everything into my very soul. Her chest mechanically rose and fell to the whirling pump's unnerving rhythm. I was numb. How could this decline happen so suddenly to change my view of everything?
I stood beside her bed. She had taken me in like a son and loved me far more than my own mother or step mother and yet she lay dying before me. Why? How?
Suddenly she raised up, arching her back from off the bed dragging her head. This gurgling gush of black oil belched from her mouth out on to the bed on my side. With huge unblinking eyes I took in the horror of my mother-in-law's passing. Just as she lay down again I knew the breathing machine was unless in that moment the blaring alarms rang out and all the monitors announced the end.
I felt this blissful giddy rush of extacy come over me. An unexplainable euphoria. Yet in that same instance time itself blurred to a freeze frame moment. A loving huge black nurse whirled my crying frail white wife about and literally carried her away in a slow moment of sheer bewilderment and joy.
Betty was "gone". I knew "something" left. I "felt" it 'pass' through me but only saw the physical shell shrink with deflation even before the machine was turned off before me. Numb, hollow and cold - I recall that instant now as clear as the moment it occurred.
Death and dying. There are answers somewhere in-between the two. I suppose that's what Life is all about, finding the 'answers'.
1989.....
I remember working at Bill Miller Bar-B-Que in Corpus Christi down on Leopard street. One day just before the lunch rush I received a phone call at work. It was my mother-in-law. She never never called me, especially at work. I knew in the instant it was beyond important and scary. The woman had three part time jobs that poorly added to one paycheck. She needed to go to the doctor. On the phone I told her I would be there as soon as I could hang up the phone. My boss over hearing this told me that if I left considered myself terminated; I left anyway and as the events played out I still had a job later.
Betty Scott had gone to the doctor's a month before and no problems noted. We had a great Christmas. They ran test. We were scared. Sigh. She had test Monday. Tuesday she had ovarian cancer. Wednesday she had liver cancer. Thursday she had lymphoma, cancer of the lymph nodes throughout her body. Friday she turned to vomit, went down into her lungs - she aspirated and went into a coma. Saturday found my mother-in-law being pumped with more than four times the dosage needed to keep her heart going as a breathing tube did the work for her and the monitors declared the futility of it all. Frightening and dismay fail to describe the emotions of her family.
I remember scoring the bottom of her expose feet in the ICU. Tickling her toes gave no response. The middle two fingers of both of my mother-in-law's hand had been taped to the raised and locked in place bed rail. Tubes for breathing and urine drainage, wires and monitors of the sterile environment were new to me. My eyes never blinked as their view soaked everything into my very soul. Her chest mechanically rose and fell to the whirling pump's unnerving rhythm. I was numb. How could this decline happen so suddenly to change my view of everything?
I stood beside her bed. She had taken me in like a son and loved me far more than my own mother or step mother and yet she lay dying before me. Why? How?
Suddenly she raised up, arching her back from off the bed dragging her head. This gurgling gush of black oil belched from her mouth out on to the bed on my side. With huge unblinking eyes I took in the horror of my mother-in-law's passing. Just as she lay down again I knew the breathing machine was unless in that moment the blaring alarms rang out and all the monitors announced the end.
I felt this blissful giddy rush of extacy come over me. An unexplainable euphoria. Yet in that same instance time itself blurred to a freeze frame moment. A loving huge black nurse whirled my crying frail white wife about and literally carried her away in a slow moment of sheer bewilderment and joy.
Betty was "gone". I knew "something" left. I "felt" it 'pass' through me but only saw the physical shell shrink with deflation even before the machine was turned off before me. Numb, hollow and cold - I recall that instant now as clear as the moment it occurred.
Death and dying. There are answers somewhere in-between the two. I suppose that's what Life is all about, finding the 'answers'.
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