HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Having not be programmed from my youth to be "into" holiday and celebrations as an adult I could take them or leave them; holidays aren't a big deal to me.  I enjoy the social gathering of Thanksgiving and Christmas with family and friends when such have occurred. My childhood was not replete with such; today I enjoy them, but only if others include me, of my own they would not be missed so much.  I miss people, friends laughter and smiles.
  Yet; on Facebook (which sends out Birthday notices) I seem to have gotten "missed".  Which is more meaningful: (A) "WOW, Is that a new dress you have? Looks great!" -or- (B) "Did you even notice my dress?"  I think "A" is more meaningful. Sure you get the compliment afterward the question, but "being noticed" "being REMEMBERED" is the point. Happy Birthday may seem trite and over used or outdated by 52; even for someone like me who isn't a great fan of "parties". But "being remembered" is always a good thing.
Guess I'm rambling or venting about nothing.  But it's my nothing. I got a text from a friend who remembered; it set my whole day with excitement. It's nice being "not forgotten". Sigh. I know some day (don't know when), I will die like all men and like my fathers before me; but it would be nice to be "remembered" - even in this life.
I guess I'm turning a new milestone corner. Believe it or not I really don't "worry" about all the things I use to.  Youth was spent in a haze of constant doom and gloom filled thoughts; much of that is so behind me.  Entering my 50s.  Feeling old and ancient; yet there is a reinvention of self and a renewing of this Next Phase of my existence. To be remembered; what is it that I will be remembered for? Everyone will have a different answer to that one question, I have no control of the answers, because all of them will be correct.  But would they be recalls that I would wish as my legacy?  All I can do, all we can do is live in the moment of today and strive it is better and built upon the lessons learned from past mistakes.

Maybe I do care after all. . . .


I'm kicking myself over nothing. maybe im afraid ive contributed nothing to be remembered for. maybe im feeling old. maybe i wish id had a better upbringing, one with more celebration "like everyone else" maybe im not worth remembering... feeling blue today.....

 sometimes i fight inside to feel "happy", sometimes I fight to see myself as "the good things" others say about me. sometimes i tell myself others are right, "fake their smile" and it will become how i view myself. i havent felt this "blue" in a vry long time.


 thanks... ive never understood why people do; seriously, but ... thank you... old feelings seeping in... not feeling good today... if people really honestly knew how much i fake smiling. i dont get a lot of people's jokes, feel like i miss so many social comments, havent seen even a quarter of all the movies people talk about, I constantly feel "in the dark". im a master of nothing, not ever a jack. im trying to learn my new job title at work and insecurely behind the learning curve of every aspect of everything. i really hate that some people view me as a bigoted gay-hater; which im not, lol every gay i kno personally are the most amazing, creative and intelligent people id love to emulate and immensely admire! My DNA brain wiring has been so strongly infused with things; just who i am. im fighting darkness right now and if you only knew an aroma of what that even meant frown emoticon *sigh* really thinking strongly about just droppinig Facebook altogether frown emoticon

.....if people only knew how much i cry to myself, theyd be amazed...
thinking about just deleting my Blogs altogether...
*sigh*
blue is not the right color today... maybe just "void black" is better.