Tears in the Silence

I love my brother, Tracy, even though we've grown apart since childhood, and as adults we've tried to heal those riffs. Next to my wife, Alice (and my daughter of course), the closest person to my heart is Master Tehuti. We've been closer than even Tracy and I ever were. Tehuti has been a brother more true than blood and as close as my soul-mate. Even so, the last few years since my wife's brother, Michael came to be a part of our lives, after living in New Jersey for 20 years of sparse silence, it has been nice and trying at the same time.

We've grown together as friends, and like Tehuti in spirit. He's inspired and helped me in developing my Nephilim story - though in truth I still have a long way to go.

Visiting him in the hospital today was a real struggle of heart; seeing him look so distant of mind, trying hard recall and make sense of who even I was. I pray the goddess blesses his mind, because from what I've seen this morning - some of my State School clients are higher level. More than one can take in beyond assuming as his financial matters and daily matters - overwhelming.

I feel grieved with guilt, the "should haves- could haves- and what ifs- " but those burdens are not helpful, when I know deep inside I did the best I could with each day given. Not perfect, for we all fail in our path's struggle to near the light; Michael knew my mind. Blessed Be. This is just another gift to strengthen me into the person I am to become, and be remembered for enduring such needs. When I'm alone, like now all I can do is cry, but the crying leads to weeping, which does no good either, so I just sniff it up and smile inside and continue on. Death comes in many shades; even in the forgotten faces of distant loved ones. At a crossroads in my life where I am once again strengthened and inspired, to challenge old beliefs and reinvent myself anew. And still Alice holds my hand along the way.

MICHAEL'S Long Journey Back

10/19/2007--The last time that I spoke to my brother-in-law, Michael , was about 1:00pm or so in the afternoon yesterday; about money matters, and seeing how his search to fix his car was going. He came to the door half asleep, and dressed for bed. He briefly mentioned that he was going to play phone tag on getting various issues taken care of. Knowing that he worked the graveyard shift the night before, I took off back to my apartment across the street. Later about 6pm in the evening I went over again, knocked with no answer - thinking nothing of it - "he's just sleeping late". Nothing unusual there. My son-in-law James returned to Michael's place, to give him a ride to work; so as to get some make up time out of the way, but again received no answer at the door. Thinking this extremely odd I went over, with our spare key.

Continuing to call out his name I found Michael lying in bed, stiffening, cold, with shallow breathing and fading pulse; James could not revive Mike either. I called Alice on my cell, back at our apartment, to call 911 on the land line. Within moments the EMS arrived and discovered his Diabetic blood count at a deathly low 20mg/dL on their meter; he had gone into a hypoglycemic comatose state.

Today Michael continues in the ICU in critical condition...

10/21/2007----------I took off from work early today, too stressed to deal with it all. Came home and Alice and I went over to Mike's apartment. After eating supper we went to the hospital for a visit with Mike. Still no progress. This is not written in stone. Seems we are in for the long haul, indeed. For Michael continues on a ventilator machine, assisting his weakened breathing. Perhaps in two weeks he may be able to upgrade to a trac in his throat instead. A trac will bypass the soft tissue of the mouth and help prevent breakdown, and sores. Yet, with a trac Michael will more than likely need to be moved into a long-term care facility.

Today is Sunday, four days since he "went down". At this point, nothing has changed in his condition. Gleaning from the various things we've been told: no real assessment of his cognitive skill level can be determined; when the sedation's are turned down, within moments a noticeable change can be seen. From his sleep like, comatose state, Michael's eyes open, toes begin to curl and twitch, stiff arms slowly rise as if to pull the tubes out but then abate.

There is no real acknowledgement of our presence before him, calling his name or suggesting that if he hears us to nod his head or blink his eyes a number of times for yes or no, to questions. Then after ten minuets or so of failing to acknowledge us or the nursing staff, his sedation is once again raised to higher levels causing the comatose state to come over him in a manner of seconds; stiff and unresponsive. We were told that he's developed ARDS; a lung condition that has severely diminished is already poor condition.

We are emotionally exhausted, mentally challenged and seemingly at wits ends. The caring hospital staff seem more than eager to pleasantly meet and expand upon our many questions. We go home and rehearse everything over again among ourselves, then readjust our long short/long term plans until the next visit - what else can we do?

10/23/2007----------I went to see Mike by myself, Alice has been having a real struggle with all this and not handling things too great. As I told her, last night Michael showed more signs of progress than since he's been admitted. Small steps like following the nurse's finger with his eyes, nodding and which hand to squeeze. The Lung Specialist {Michael's lungs are the major issues at this time}, was most pleased, "because at least we know the circuits are connected". We are still nowhere near "being out of the woods" nor speculating at what cognitive level he is at now. His doctor mentioned that, whatever permanent brain damage Michael sustained while he was down, would be evident once he is able to be taken off the ventilator. Yet, when he is brought down off the sedation, for such recognition "tests" he so far does not fair very well - such is the waiting game. Michael's present condition has shaken me to my core.

10/24/2007----------Even though there may be "hoops" to jump through with Medicaid we may HAVE to go that route. No one in the family has the money to pay for him to be in a facility of any kind. It HAS to be covered through his insurance or Medicaid /medicare. If he is put in such a rehab facility we may have no choice but to let his apartment go. Because of all the issues with his car, it may be the first to go, as well.

I spoke with a Social Worker of the ICU, who will latter as he progresses, hand me off to another. I was told that depending on my brother-in-law's condition at discharge form the hospital, would determine the direction of resource support they could provide.

Last night Michael was the most responsive we've seen since he has been in the Hospital; just as the doctors have been describing: alert tracking eyes, trying to mouth words, and following simple bed ridden directions like "move your leg". Sometime today, if he continues to progress, Michael should be taken off the ventilator and grow stronger at breathing on his own. Though there's a "light at the end of the tunnel", he's not "out of the woods" yet.

10/25-07---------James and I visited him last night, and today he did not remember it at all. Today,(my wife) Alice and I went to visit with Michael at the hospital, they've taken him off the vent, and he now has a nasal O2 tube. His recognition level is still very uncertain, but appears to know that he's not hungry, and about needing to use the rest room. He is uncertain what his or even a middle name is, at this time. We are continuing to play the Waiting Game...

Ready for SEX?

You know, my daughter is grown, with two children of her own, but it makes my skin crawl to think of where we as a nation are heading. Can you imagine your daughter or grand-daughter, at - say the age of 11 or 12 in Middle School, receiving birth control and you not even given the opportunity to be made aware of the fact? Well, call me a conservative or worse, small minded and still in the 20th Century, but I want to at least pretend that I still have some "rights" in American. Most importantly, I want to have the Right to raise my own child as I see fit and be aware of what effects them. I didn't really didn't thinkO'Reilly was that crazy!

ID's Coming!

Just because I am paranoid does not mean that they are not out to get me. I went, and got my new vehicle registration today, and out of curiosity inquired next door at the TX-DMV, about the REAL ID. HA! Knew I wasn't crazy. Starting in the spring of {May} 2008 the State of Texas will begin issuing the new identification cards, "as soon as our equipment arrives, and staff are trained."

[ Enacted in May of 2005, the Real ID Act presents a significant challenge to the Departments Driver License Division (DLD). As passed, the statute will have a wide-reaching impact on our citizens as it will require all 20 million existing Texas driver license and identification card (DL/ID) holders to present
their respective identity credentials to driver license office personnel between May 11, 2008 and May 10, 2013. The Acts proposed rules are specific and create implementation challenges with operational, legislative, technological and fiscal limitations. Implementing Real ID will require additional staff,
facilities, training and the development, expansion and deployment of numerous real-time verification systems. Accordingly, costs associated with Real ID will be significant. The discontinuation of the on-line and telephone transactions (via Texas On-line) will eliminate these respective transaction
fees, resulting in a loss in general revenue to the state. Real ID regulations are currently being developed by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). The Department will pursue conforming legislation to implement necessary programs in order to comply with the regulations. ]

It is good to know that the Department of Homeland Security is taking care of us all.
[ Seal Description:
In the center of the seal, a graphically styled white American eagle appears in a circular blue field. The eagle's outstretched wings break through an inner red ring into an outer white ring that contains the words "U.S. DEPARTMENT OF" in the top half and "HOMELAND SECURITY" in the bottom half in a circular placement. The eagle's wings break through the inner circle into the outer ring to suggest that the Department of Homeland Security will break through traditional bureaucracy and perform government functions differently. In the tradition of the Great Seal of the United States, the eagle's talon on the left holds an olive branch with 13 leaves and 13 seeds while the eagle's talon on the right grasps 13 arrows.
Centered on the eagle's breast is a shield divided into three sections containing elements that represent the American homeland - air, land, and sea. The top element, a dark blue sky, contains 22 stars representing the original 22 entities that have come together to form the department. The left shield element contains white mountains behind a green plain underneath a light blue sky. The right shield element contains four wave shapes representing the oceans alternating light and dark blue separated by white lines. ]

NEXT BLOG... please

I use to get a really big kick out of clicking the NEXT BLOG key, but now with all the spam advertisements, goofy ads and porn - hey I like porn as much as the next guy but geessh give me a break! I started surfing the NB, and after a couple of hours I was rewarded with a few good sites out there of folks just trying to express themselves. If they ever pass this way I just wanted to let them know that on the other end of the cyber spectrum someone enjoyed their efforts, and to continue doing their best to challenge themselves and their readers to grow, and not be fearful of the crazy world. Because by the end of the day it is folks just like Kelly, John, Gina, Brian, Amy, Nadja, and Tanalee that make the Universe part of the wondrous experience that it is. Sometimes from Arizona and then sometimes from Australia, Bethlehem, Pa., New York, Indiana or Burlington - they come from all over. Bloggers are from all walks of life: from stay-at-home Moms, Photographers to those of us who just need to Journal our inner thoughts. It may be Just Another Day as a freelance writer in Public Relations, but your Tears haven't gone unoticed by everyone. Thanks, my fellow Bloggers, for not being afraid of being yourselves - an encouragement to the countless others, to voice and rant our ideas as well.

Death to the USA

Long Live The North American Union! The American version of the European Union is a reality that is coming soon. As a matter of fact our President continues to expand NAFTA, of the previous administration's agreements with Canada and Mexico. This is not the formation of a new government per se, but it might as well be, with its own currency "The Amero," and regulations that the countries involved must abide by.

With the forging of the various growing markets in Asia, Europe and now the newly formed North American Union, we are heading closer to the globally administrated economic market. It has long been feared by non-centralized governed peoples. Democracy and Freedom are illusionary buzz words espoused by those who are the movers and shakers behind the financial New World Order - and ahem, folks it's not The Freemasons! IF you care or have an opinion I would like to hear it.

A Preview of my Finished Tale