I love my brother, Tracy, even though we've grown apart since childhood, and as adults we've tried to heal those riffs. Next to my wife, Alice (and my daughter of course), the closest person to my heart is Master Tehuti. We've been closer than even Tracy and I ever were. Tehuti has been a brother more true than blood and as close as my soul-mate. Even so, the last few years since my wife's brother, Michael came to be a part of our lives, after living in New Jersey for 20 years of sparse silence, it has been nice and trying at the same time.
We've grown together as friends, and like Tehuti in spirit. He's inspired and helped me in developing my Nephilim story - though in truth I still have a long way to go.
Visiting him in the hospital today was a real struggle of heart; seeing him look so distant of mind, trying hard recall and make sense of who even I was. I pray the goddess blesses his mind, because from what I've seen this morning - some of my State School clients are higher level. More than one can take in beyond assuming as his financial matters and daily matters - overwhelming.
I feel grieved with guilt, the "should haves- could haves- and what ifs- " but those burdens are not helpful, when I know deep inside I did the best I could with each day given. Not perfect, for we all fail in our path's struggle to near the light; Michael knew my mind. Blessed Be. This is just another gift to strengthen me into the person I am to become, and be remembered for enduring such needs. When I'm alone, like now all I can do is cry, but the crying leads to weeping, which does no good either, so I just sniff it up and smile inside and continue on. Death comes in many shades; even in the forgotten faces of distant loved ones. At a crossroads in my life where I am once again strengthened and inspired, to challenge old beliefs and reinvent myself anew. And still Alice holds my hand along the way.
So hard... So hard... To find the words, to stand tall, to keep going. So hard to be strong for others when you just want to be weak for yourself. So hard to hold your head up in the world that wants it bowed with every blow. Yet, there are those who've seen you without armor, those who were there to see the lashes and not just the scars. The ones you've lifted up can hold you up now. The ones you have cried for are giving back tears across the miles. When it's all said and done, life's just a trick of the light, shadows on a screen. The only thing real is the joy and the pain. The only thing true, the love of those who've shared them both.
ReplyDelete